Be My, Be My Little Baby...

  "he called a little child to him, and placed the child among them and he said: 'truly i tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.'" 

- Matthew 18:2-3

Yesterday while my boyfriend was playing a computer game after i had washed my hair, i lay in bed winding down for the evening. I was combing my wet hair, and crying softly. For all accounts, it had been a perfect day. I spent quality time with my boyfriend, got some good news about a money matter, had a perfect dinner with a glass of pretty good wine, a pint of my favorite ice cream for dessert while watching a movie, and then i lay crying softly in my bed. 

It honestly didn't make any sense. Then i remembered why the sensation of combing my wet hair was so comforting. My father used to comb my long wet curly hair for hours until it was dry when i was a child. In wintertime i would wear my long sleeved nightgown, and listen to the sounds of the fire crackle and pop in the fireplace while i perched on the ottoman to my dad's armchair. I was never a calm child, diagnosed with ADHD at an early age it was miraculous to see me sit so still on that ottoman. But i would sit there for hours until my hair wasnt even damp anymore. 

It's hard to explain or describe but the act was soothing, it made me feel safe. I was honored and humbled to be loved so much by someone. And my father never rushed, he never yanked the comb through my curly hair in frustration at a particular knot. He started at the bottom, gently working the comb through my difficult hair talking to me about his brother, my uncle who had died years before i was born. Or telling me stories about my grandfather who fought in WWII. Saying something silly to make me laugh, or asking me about school that day and how i was coming along on my times tables. 

It's a beautiful memory, my dad brushing my hair. And it confused me that my reaction was to cry, I was blessed with wonderful parents and a pretty spectacular childhood. I had nothing to feel sad about. Except for the fact that I was no longer my Daddy's little girl. I didn't even have the same last name anymore. I was too big to perch on the ottoman and too big for my Daddy to make all my problems go away. He couldn't be my champion anymore. And the man who was supposed to take over those duties, to protect me and scare away the monsters under the bed, to know that some nights i may want him to brush out my wet hair, he was the one who hurt me the most. He lied, and called me names. He blamed me for things i had no control over. 

I chose wrong.

And i guess there will always be a part of me that will be embarrassed by that. Just like there will always be a part of me that wants to be that little girl on the ottoman in front of the fire, begging her daddy to make hot chocolate before bedtime. It's hard to face my father now. He doesn't judge me, he doesn't really talk about the divorce. But I can't help but feel as if i've disappointed him somehow. That my poor judgement seems like a reflection of his parenting. But that i didn't represent his parenting well, that i tarnished the honorable life he and my mother built for my family. They just had their 31st anniversary, my parents, and i couldn't even make it to my 1st. 

I know that things will get better, that i'll make him proud of me again. That somehow across the years, i will become a new version of his little girl. That i'll give him grandchildren that he will cherish as much as he's cherished me. I can't help but mourn the loss now, even though i know it'll be better later on. I can only hope that my efforts to make the right choices, to be true to myself, to make it over this mountain victorious will honor him. Lord knows, I want him to see my solitary struggle as a sign of strength, and know that it was he who helped me get that strong. 

This is dedicated to all the Father's out there who have done right by their daughters and sons. You are rare, beautiful people who deserve to be known to the world as the heroes that you are. Thank you.

-Murphy.

Princess Murphy

Murphy's law has had books written about it, Websites dedicated to it, and Busnisses benefit from it. It's an addage that you've probably heard most of your life. It states:

 "Whatever can go wrong, WILL go wrong".

 And it pretty much sums up my life until now. In fact, throughout high school and college I was lovingly referred to by close (and not so close) friends as "Murphy" and "Princess Murphy". Why? You may ask. Well, because thus far my life has been literally the living embodiment of aforementioned law. I start to think it's turning around and WHAM! I'm snapped back to reality in ways eminem has yet to be aware of. To all of you optimists out there, no lectures please.

I guess this is the part where I disclose all the reason's I am the living embodiment of Murphy's Law. Well, i'll attempt.

1. I am 24 and in the middle of a divorce. 
2. I had to move back in with my parent's and start from scratch.
3. My family seems to be under the impression that I am not trustworthy, honest, or capable of making any sort of coherent decisions in my life because of the formerly mentioned divorce.
4. I am back in school and may or may not remain there for the rest of my pitiful existence.
5. My ex-husband has systematically alienated me from every friend I ever had leaving me with little to no support system. (Thank GOD for the ones who stepped up to the plate)
6. My boyfriend is the most perfect person on the planet, who I adore, and I frequently second-guess myself and feel quite selfish and inadequate next to.
7. My job sucks... but... Well, i guess that one's pretty normal actually.
8. I have a younger sister who is so spectacular that I honestly find myself wishing I could trade places with her freaky Friday style.
9. I've gained weight that doesn't seem to want to vacate no matter how I try to convince it with diet and exercise.
10. I happen to be one of the clumsiest people on the planet. (I am convinced this is completely true) 

I guess we should start with reason numero ONE. Because it's a doozie. My future ex-husband is a delightful mixture of alcoholic, workoholic, video-game addict, ego-maniac, megalomaniac, emotional retard, cheater, liar, well-versed in catholic guilt, and manipulative control freak. Needless to say that was a disaster from start to finish. But i was perfectly naive and vulnerable and susceptible to his particular brand of crazy when he came along. And I blatantly ignored the multitude of red flags laid out miles long in front of me. After years of making excuses and getting my heart broken over and over HE finally decided that i wasn't worth his time anymore and dumped me on my face for a 19 year old, blonde, 115 lb, bombshell with a beach house named Marie. After i had invested 10k (aka: my entire wedding fund since he convinced me to elope) in a pretty significant move across three states he strong-armed me into following a pretty heinously given ultimatum. I was committed and i didn't believe in divorce so regardless of the many (AND I DO MEAN MANY) reasons i probably should have left him prior to this, I literally begged him to try and work it out.

That's not easy to admit folks, not at all. But I did. I begged. On my knees, ugly-crying, begging. When that didn't work, my stomach dropped to the floor. And suddenly my entire life, my entire future, the step-son i fell in love with, the family i had been building, my entire core belief system and set of values, everything that made up WHO I WAS... was shattered. In an instant. And i had absolutely no control over it. A few words literally ENDED ME.

From that moment, i stopped eating and cried in fetal position locked in the master bedroom for about 2 1/2 weeks until my family showed up at Thanksgiving to move me home. Which pretty much brings me to #2 on my list. The HUGE step backwards that is defined simply as kill me, i've reverted back into my 16 year old self that is completely dependent on my mommy and daddy for everything and now i'm a huge disappointment in their eyes.

My parents are very conservative, very southern people. And everyone in my family(I do mean EVERYONE) who was married, is still married. I was the very first divorce in an otherwise very long list of wins in that column. No pressure. So there i was, lost, drunk a lot, and completely unaware what i was going to do with the rest of my life save wear a sign on my chest that said 'black sheep'. 
So, naturally i decided i needed to phone a friend.....

Skipping to Reason Five= My ex-husband had this innate fear that if i had any friends whatsoever i wouldnt want to be with him anymore, so over the course of our relationship he had manuvered me into the position of friendless social pariah leaving me with no one save an ex-boyfriend, who was actually pretty amazing at the listening to drunken crying rants from a girl you only dated for like two weeks a few years ago-thing (poor guy), to actually talk to. And a romantic interest turned friend zoner from way back. AKA: THE NOW BOYFRIEND. When i finally got around to talking to THE MR. SUCKER-PUNCH (aptly named because of the way i felt when i first saw him smile) he listened to me, and kept me company literally all night sending me song lyrics via text and telling me that i could do absolutely anything that i put my mind to now that the ex was no longer dragging me down.

He reminded me that i used to be empowered, in control, and that i had been alone when i was that way. And he told me he had absolutely no doubts whatsoever that i would be that confident, amazing person again. He inspired me to take my life back and make it my own again. And even though this HOT-AS-HADES-HERO was dating someone, he had me feeling butterflies i thought were long since dead in the pit of my stomach. He didn't let me be alone, i think that was a huge help in those first few weeks. Even though it was just texting and calling and checking in, i didn't know how to be alone and that terrified me. It's a strange sensation to describe, but when you've been part of an 'us' for so long, you forget how to just be a 'you' and being alone was scary for me, and he braved that darkness and pulled me out of it. Saving my life in so many ways. So i think you all have a pretty apt understanding of Reason #6 on my list.

It was during this very crucial transitional phase that i went to my parents, completely vulnerable and said 'Guys, i think i want to go back to school and get my degree'. Which they were not enthusiastic about since my first very distracted experience of college ended with a torpedoed GPA and a bartending job. In fact, they were pretty hesitant to give me their blessing. They refused to pay for tuition unless i 'proved' my worth by handing over an official copy of my grades after every semester. (Poor stupid me i assumed being honest with them and telling them my grades would be good enough, to no avail.**#3**) To which i enthusiastically agreed.

Which leads us to Num. 4 on the Murphy list. Deciding to go back to school was a very romantic idea, but the reality was and IS the fact that i'm going to be in school until i'm almost 30, which royally sucks. ROYALLY. Because i determined that until i had the degree in my hand, i wasn't getting married again. Which means i'm going to be an older bride and an older mom and pretty much all of the plans that i have for my ENTIRE LIFE have now been pushed back by like 7 years give or take thanks to the EX wasting my time being a jerk and playing with my emotions.

Which leaves Reasons #7-10 which are in essence, pretty self explanatory.

However, i realize my life could be a lot worse. I have many things that i should be thankful for, and that i AM thankful for. I don't want anyone to leave under the impression that i take my life or the people in my life for granted. This is not the case. I am just one woman, trying to make sense of life. Trying to heal and gain back things that i've lost. Pieces of myself that have been stripped away and forgotten so that i can push forward into a better future. And i'm one of those rare people who has to vent about the bad things to make sense of them. And i have to make sense of them so that i can move past them. I have to get angry, and a little irrational before i can start to see and appreciate the complexity and beauty of what it means to be a human being with complex, oftentimes confusing, emotions.

So if your game, take this crazy journey with me I dare you.

 Sincerely,
Murphy.