Princess Murphy

Murphy's law has had books written about it, Websites dedicated to it, and Busnisses benefit from it. It's an addage that you've probably heard most of your life. It states:

 "Whatever can go wrong, WILL go wrong".

 And it pretty much sums up my life until now. In fact, throughout high school and college I was lovingly referred to by close (and not so close) friends as "Murphy" and "Princess Murphy". Why? You may ask. Well, because thus far my life has been literally the living embodiment of aforementioned law. I start to think it's turning around and WHAM! I'm snapped back to reality in ways eminem has yet to be aware of. To all of you optimists out there, no lectures please.

I guess this is the part where I disclose all the reason's I am the living embodiment of Murphy's Law. Well, i'll attempt.

1. I am 24 and in the middle of a divorce. 
2. I had to move back in with my parent's and start from scratch.
3. My family seems to be under the impression that I am not trustworthy, honest, or capable of making any sort of coherent decisions in my life because of the formerly mentioned divorce.
4. I am back in school and may or may not remain there for the rest of my pitiful existence.
5. My ex-husband has systematically alienated me from every friend I ever had leaving me with little to no support system. (Thank GOD for the ones who stepped up to the plate)
6. My boyfriend is the most perfect person on the planet, who I adore, and I frequently second-guess myself and feel quite selfish and inadequate next to.
7. My job sucks... but... Well, i guess that one's pretty normal actually.
8. I have a younger sister who is so spectacular that I honestly find myself wishing I could trade places with her freaky Friday style.
9. I've gained weight that doesn't seem to want to vacate no matter how I try to convince it with diet and exercise.
10. I happen to be one of the clumsiest people on the planet. (I am convinced this is completely true) 

I guess we should start with reason numero ONE. Because it's a doozie. My future ex-husband is a delightful mixture of alcoholic, workoholic, video-game addict, ego-maniac, megalomaniac, emotional retard, cheater, liar, well-versed in catholic guilt, and manipulative control freak. Needless to say that was a disaster from start to finish. But i was perfectly naive and vulnerable and susceptible to his particular brand of crazy when he came along. And I blatantly ignored the multitude of red flags laid out miles long in front of me. After years of making excuses and getting my heart broken over and over HE finally decided that i wasn't worth his time anymore and dumped me on my face for a 19 year old, blonde, 115 lb, bombshell with a beach house named Marie. After i had invested 10k (aka: my entire wedding fund since he convinced me to elope) in a pretty significant move across three states he strong-armed me into following a pretty heinously given ultimatum. I was committed and i didn't believe in divorce so regardless of the many (AND I DO MEAN MANY) reasons i probably should have left him prior to this, I literally begged him to try and work it out.

That's not easy to admit folks, not at all. But I did. I begged. On my knees, ugly-crying, begging. When that didn't work, my stomach dropped to the floor. And suddenly my entire life, my entire future, the step-son i fell in love with, the family i had been building, my entire core belief system and set of values, everything that made up WHO I WAS... was shattered. In an instant. And i had absolutely no control over it. A few words literally ENDED ME.

From that moment, i stopped eating and cried in fetal position locked in the master bedroom for about 2 1/2 weeks until my family showed up at Thanksgiving to move me home. Which pretty much brings me to #2 on my list. The HUGE step backwards that is defined simply as kill me, i've reverted back into my 16 year old self that is completely dependent on my mommy and daddy for everything and now i'm a huge disappointment in their eyes.

My parents are very conservative, very southern people. And everyone in my family(I do mean EVERYONE) who was married, is still married. I was the very first divorce in an otherwise very long list of wins in that column. No pressure. So there i was, lost, drunk a lot, and completely unaware what i was going to do with the rest of my life save wear a sign on my chest that said 'black sheep'. 
So, naturally i decided i needed to phone a friend.....

Skipping to Reason Five= My ex-husband had this innate fear that if i had any friends whatsoever i wouldnt want to be with him anymore, so over the course of our relationship he had manuvered me into the position of friendless social pariah leaving me with no one save an ex-boyfriend, who was actually pretty amazing at the listening to drunken crying rants from a girl you only dated for like two weeks a few years ago-thing (poor guy), to actually talk to. And a romantic interest turned friend zoner from way back. AKA: THE NOW BOYFRIEND. When i finally got around to talking to THE MR. SUCKER-PUNCH (aptly named because of the way i felt when i first saw him smile) he listened to me, and kept me company literally all night sending me song lyrics via text and telling me that i could do absolutely anything that i put my mind to now that the ex was no longer dragging me down.

He reminded me that i used to be empowered, in control, and that i had been alone when i was that way. And he told me he had absolutely no doubts whatsoever that i would be that confident, amazing person again. He inspired me to take my life back and make it my own again. And even though this HOT-AS-HADES-HERO was dating someone, he had me feeling butterflies i thought were long since dead in the pit of my stomach. He didn't let me be alone, i think that was a huge help in those first few weeks. Even though it was just texting and calling and checking in, i didn't know how to be alone and that terrified me. It's a strange sensation to describe, but when you've been part of an 'us' for so long, you forget how to just be a 'you' and being alone was scary for me, and he braved that darkness and pulled me out of it. Saving my life in so many ways. So i think you all have a pretty apt understanding of Reason #6 on my list.

It was during this very crucial transitional phase that i went to my parents, completely vulnerable and said 'Guys, i think i want to go back to school and get my degree'. Which they were not enthusiastic about since my first very distracted experience of college ended with a torpedoed GPA and a bartending job. In fact, they were pretty hesitant to give me their blessing. They refused to pay for tuition unless i 'proved' my worth by handing over an official copy of my grades after every semester. (Poor stupid me i assumed being honest with them and telling them my grades would be good enough, to no avail.**#3**) To which i enthusiastically agreed.

Which leads us to Num. 4 on the Murphy list. Deciding to go back to school was a very romantic idea, but the reality was and IS the fact that i'm going to be in school until i'm almost 30, which royally sucks. ROYALLY. Because i determined that until i had the degree in my hand, i wasn't getting married again. Which means i'm going to be an older bride and an older mom and pretty much all of the plans that i have for my ENTIRE LIFE have now been pushed back by like 7 years give or take thanks to the EX wasting my time being a jerk and playing with my emotions.

Which leaves Reasons #7-10 which are in essence, pretty self explanatory.

However, i realize my life could be a lot worse. I have many things that i should be thankful for, and that i AM thankful for. I don't want anyone to leave under the impression that i take my life or the people in my life for granted. This is not the case. I am just one woman, trying to make sense of life. Trying to heal and gain back things that i've lost. Pieces of myself that have been stripped away and forgotten so that i can push forward into a better future. And i'm one of those rare people who has to vent about the bad things to make sense of them. And i have to make sense of them so that i can move past them. I have to get angry, and a little irrational before i can start to see and appreciate the complexity and beauty of what it means to be a human being with complex, oftentimes confusing, emotions.

So if your game, take this crazy journey with me I dare you.

 Sincerely,
Murphy.